Bhaus v. Elminster Aumer

OBERON: First up, we have two heavy hitters. The Sage of Shadowdale himself, Elminster Aumer, versus my champion and your's, Bhaus! Take it away!

BHAUS

Make way for Bhaus, the big man of brass! I had to bring two boots so I can kick more ass! If you're so great, then please do tell Why a wizard like me doesn't know your spells? You're so overrated, time to turn the page. Roll initiative pal, I'm about to RAGE.

ELMINSTER

Oh I'm so sorry, I've forgotten thy name, You're a bland PC from a random home game. My name is Elminster. Perhaps ye didn't hear it? I've made every evil in Forgotten Realms fear it.

Thy skills? Subpar. Thy love life? Tragic! While I'm bedding down with Goddess of Magic I'm straight-up RAW, you're a bad homebrew And breaking news: Theodore never loved you.

BHAUS

Those are fancy words for a rip-off hack Yo, Gandalf called: he wants his everything back! Forgetting names? I guess that happens with age. So let me just remind you who is up on stage:

Earth Genasi! Bold and brassy! Super classy! (Tips hat) Kickin' ass, see?

And not to be rude, but what is with that smell? You better let ol' Bhaus come and teach you a spell. You spend too stop playing with your magic globes Time to Prestidigitate those stank-ass robes!

ELMINSTER

Are ye still going on? What tiresome prattle. Ye cry like a babe - here's a big brass rattle. Find thee a horse and a fat-ass saddle And flee from the slaughter of this lyrical battle.

You're no wizard, you're a fool with a ring When it comes to magic, I don't need any bling. I'm the OG mage of all D&D And I've no more time to waste on thee.

Bhaus steps back up to the mic BHAUS: I just want to say that I wrote all of those words myself, and Arynn didn't help at all.

ARYNN: Hey!

BHAUS: OK, Arynn helped a little. Fey stage hands start shuffling him off, but he leans back toward the mic I am now also the world's greatest bard. VOTE BHAUS! He throws up the devil horns, prompting a raucous cheer from a table of particularly drunk fiends.

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