Volothamp Geddarm v. Jakrin Zendai

OBERON Could our next two combatants please step up to the stage? We have Faerun's very own Yelp...

TITANIA clears her throat loudly

OBERON Right, right, what's a Yelp? Faerun's very own travel guide extraordinaire, Volothamp Geddarm!

And his opponent, the man who just wants to cast his spells in peace, and a friend to badgers everywhere, Jakrin Zendai!

VOLO Yes, Volo is here! Please form a line, Because, yes of course, your books I will sign! But first, alas, I have work to do - A jumped-up wizard needs a talking-to.

Jakrin, my boy, you're simply outclassed I'm a singing bird, you're a braying ass Why not give up after hearing this verse? I'm a Charm Person, and you're Bestow Curse.

JAKRIN So this is Volo, the literary hack. I've read your guides - can I have my money back? The spells you know could fit on half a page, So let me introduce you to an actual mage.

The name is ZEN-DAI, and I am SO HIGH Above your lyrical skills you'd better CAST FLY. Match me with THIS GUY? Lord Oberon, WHY? This is a curbstomp fight, I'll make him ugly cry.

VOLO I'm a media star - no one knows who you are So here's a quick review of those horrible bars:

The rhythm was terrible And the rhymes were unbearable! And this madman's utter raving borders on the hysterical But Volo won't fear the call It's time to get lyr-i-cal, And guide these lovely people toward something worth hearing, y'all!

What a sniveling coward, I can hardly relate Cowed by the Cowls, such a miserable fate My book on Athkatla I'll have to revise: Add a final chapter on the fall of the Zendais!

JAKRIN Bring my family into this? Now that's a mistake. And probably the very last one that you'll make. It's the end of the road for the traveling clown Draw steel Laurel, take this babbler down.

LAUREL You're a pompous fool with an empty swagger These words are blades, watch me throw them like daggers. My rhythm will rock you like the storm-tossed sea You blow hot air, but the wind favours me.

I'm the captain here, and I run a tight ship Stop running your mouth, lest you taste my whip Your verbal AC can't stop these hits He's done, dear brother - how do we want to do this?

--

Excerpt from Volo's Guide to the Feywild, available next spring from Candlekeep and other fine depositories of knowledge:

"The Summer King's table is always sumptuous, should you be fortunate enough to land an invitation, as your humble scribe has, and the liquor selection rivals the best that Faerun has to offer. However, be wary of the entertainment - King Oberon's standards for such do not match those of the refreshments, as he allows any nameless scoundrel full of lies and slander to take the stage."

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