The Completely Accurate, Truthful and Reliable History of the Driscoll Brothers

as told by Wink Driscoll after an undisclosed amount of wine

"Light never talks about his past. Tell us a story Wink." Arynn leaned forward with her chin on her hand. "Tell us everything."

The Rabid Skylarks were enjoying some rare downtime, and Wink had joined them at the local inn to check in on his brother. "Everything, huh? Be careful what you ask for, Arynn!" Wink said with a laugh. Light just shook his head slightly without looking up from his book and said, "Now you've done it."

Wink took another swig of his drink, and began.



See, we never really knew our parents. The story goes that our parents were travelling by ship across the Sea of Swords, when the ship was attacked by a gigantic dragon turtle. The fearsome creature destroyed the ship, but somehow our mother managed to pull herself from the sea and clamour on to the creature's back. There she went straight into labour, and Lightfoot and I were born, in the middle of the sea, riding atop the shell of an island-sized sea monster. Alas, our mother was mortally wounded, but before she passed on, she somehow extracted a promise from the dragon turtle that it would carry us to safety.

The dragon turtle kept its word. Over the course of several weeks, we Driscoll brothers nestled into to a comfy nook in the dragon turtle's shell. Merfolk fed us along the way with fish and crabs and oysters and seaweed and eggs, and we drank rainwater that collected in pools atop the shell. After many days, we came within sight of land. But of course, the dragon turtle couldn't exactly just walk on up, so how were we two tiny halfings to disembark safely? Clearly some god or other was watching over us even then, for we were ferried off of the dragon turtle by some friendly dolphins, and left nestled in the sand to contemplate our futures, which is not easy to do when one is but several weeks old and full of seafood.



Baz lifted a skeptical eyebrow. "A dragon turtle. Really." Wink placed his hand solemnly over his heart and said, "No word of a lie. As if I would make light of our dear mother's final act of sacrifice." Light snorted as he turned a page.

"I bet I could be friends with a dragon turtle," said Bhaus with a thoughtful look. "I'd get her a hat that matches mine, and we'd rescue halflings from shipwrecks..."

Jakrin leaned back in his chair. "Hush with the cross-chatter, please. I want to hear what happened next."

Wink said, "To continue, then..."



Needless to say, we young Driscoll boys were in a bit of a predicament. We hadn't much chance to learn to walk on our journey to this sandy shore, and thus transportation upon solid ground was a problem. I sat back on my wee little behind to give the matter a little thought. Light started writing in the sand, but I ignored him, seeing as how I hadn't learned to read yet. Instead, I looked around, trying to spot something that might help with our situation. And spot something I did. Unfortunately, it spotted us back. Specifically, it was some kind of large snake, which immediately began to slither toward us, no doubt looking for an easy meal. Well, I thought to myself, this won't do. So, I hauled myself up on my wobbly little legs, and stared that slithery bastard straight in the eyes. It closed the distance quickly, and as it snapped its head forward to strike.... POW! I popped it square across its jaw with my tiny fist, sending it sprawling in the sand. I thought to myself, "That's our ticket out of here." I grabbed Light by the arm and pulled him away from his writing, and while the snake was still stunned, I tossed my brother onto its back, and then clamoured up to join him. I leaned in real close to the snake's head and said, "Unless you want another smack upside, you'll carry us to find some people, and you'll be quick about it!" Now I had never learned to speak snake, but it seemed to get the gist of my message, and started off with Lightfoot and Wink Discroll upon its back.

Now let me tell you, that snake was *fast*. We travelled across the land, zigging and zagging. Finally, we reached a town. You would think two baby halflings riding into town on the back of a giant snake would draw a bit of attention, but in this particular town, all the attention was apparently being taken up by a huge, screaming orc. He was standing outside of a temple, shouting challenges and curses. "I am here to show the power of Gruumsh over all other gods!", the orc shouted at the people of the temple. "Gruumsh is stronger than Lliira! Gruumsh is stronger than all! Send out your champion to fight for your pathetic god!"

I said to Light, "Hey Light. What's a Gruumsh?" Light says, "The foremost god of the orcish pantheon, claiming dominion over strength and conquest." "Ah", I said. "Oh, uh, hey Light?" "Yes Wink?", Light responded. "One more question: what's a Lliira?" I said. Light shook his head and responded, "A goddess, the Joybringer. You know, you could have studied a bit more on the way here." "Well, I don't know about that. But I do know that orc is being quite rude to the nice Joybringer people, isn't he Light?" "He is indeed, brother", Light said.

So, now I'm fixing to do something about it. I had the snake swerve this way and that around the orc's feet. He was so busy screaming and roaring that he didn't even notice. After winding the snake in just the right way, I handed Light the snake's tail. "Here Light, hold this. When I say 'pull', you pull the tail." Light took the tail and nodded.

Then I stomped on out in front the orc. "HEY!", I yelled up at him. Now bear in mind - this was one big orc. And I was one small halfling who had just learned how to walk at that very moment. The orc stopped shouting and looked down. Then he started laughing. "This? This is Lliira's champion? Bwahahaha!" I just smiled up at him. "Well, maybe I am. I do seem to have brought you joy." The orc, still laughing, replied, "I'm going to stomp you into jelly, tiny thing. What do you say to that?" I looked him dead in the eye. "There's really only one thing I can say. PULL!"

Light pulled on the snake's tale. Now, I may not have learned much about religion on the way here, but I did know a thing or two about knots. And when Light pulled on that snake's tale, I saw that I had tied it just right. The snake tightened around the orc's feet, and the brute started to pitch forward, a look of surprise on his face.

Me? I just crouched, waiting for just the right moment. And... there is was. I sprung, catching the orc with a perfect uppercut, right under the jaw. Back he went, and when he hit the ground, he was out cold.

The people from the temple came out and surged around Light and me. Things went by in a bit of a blur from there. Someone put a book in Light's hands, so he was pretty happy about that. They took us into the temple, which became our home, and that's where we grew up, in Lliira's service.



Thava's face was deadpan. "Quite an impressive punch for a baby." Wink just smiled. "What can I say? I was gifted from a young age."

Vlad sat back in their chair. "I'd let that orc show *me* the strength of Gruumsh. Pwrrow!"

Baz said nothing, but his eyebrow now seemed to be permanently raised.

Bhaus turned to Light and said, "Is that all true, Light?" Light, still not looking up from his reading, said, "I can neither confirm nor deny."

Wink finished his wine and said, "Lliira teaches us that the truth brings joy. So, if you enjoyed it, we can say it's true. Next round's on me!"